My Body...It Aches

I said to him last night or this morning (i can't remember)
that i'm not sure how long i can keep this up.
this pace.
these long strides.
because each night, once kep is asleep,
i've no more to give but so much more to do
and i regret, come morning,
that i didn't do all the more that i could've
the eve before.
but my legs, they ache to lie down
and my back, it aches to lie still
and my core, it aches b/c it can take no more
and all because
each part of my whole is neglected.
serious neglection.

so i told him that i need to focus on my body
and building
so that i can handle going at a pace that
feels good at the end of a day...
ANY day...
long or short...
easy or difficult...
my body needs attention
so that it can attend my life.

I would like to be still

I would like to be still

in my mind

and in my heart

So that i might hear

and be able to listen

to what is being said

to me

from Him.

I would like to be still

so that answers can find me

and i might nod my head

and finally understand

why i feel

the way i do

and why i think

what i think.

I would like to be still

so that someone could embrace me

with soft arms

They could wrap me in love

and hold me just right

so that i might feel

and believe

that i am loved.

I would like to be still

so that i could start again

the way i was meant to start

and so that i could take steps

in the direction i was meant to go

toward all things

that fill me up.

I would like to still mySELF

and still yourSELF

so that we might connect

and love each other

and feel each others energy

flow through and back again

as close as we could possibly be

without becoming one.

Finding the Words

I'm never sure how to begin
Or what to say
Not sure what emotions to share
Or what truths to tell
There is a line
Or, is there?
If it is all truths, why am I so scared?
It doesn't often sound "just right"
And I don't often publish
But so much exists in my mind
And I yearn for a place
A space
An ear
A shoulder
The right words
An order to put them in
So it all makes sense
To me
And you

Naked

I want you all to see me naked.

Every last one of you.

There would be time for critiques,
time for laughter,
time for insults,
time to describe everything that is wrong,
not right,
with me.
And, of course, time for questions at the end.

Yes, naked. In the raw.
Let's get it over with.
Let's put it out there.
Let's deal with it and move on.

Leaving

I think that, maybe, if I left
you'd come home from a tired day...
you'd walk up the staircase and look
into the dimly lit livingroom and
you'd feel like something was supposed
to be there...someone...but you
can barely remember the shadow
of what I was.

You stare blankly into the kitchen
with a dish in the sink
and crumbs on the counter
and you'd have this feeling...
a fleeting thought that maybe
you were once with someone
who leaves crumbs on the counter
and the crumbs were like sprinkles
on the surface of your fantasy life
with this woman
who shared your bed.

And you could almost taste her
as if you two had awoken this morning,
together.
But there is no one there now
And you know you will
never again be able to recall
that fantasy and what made
her perfect.

You just know that she was.
and though you are almost sure
you never met her,
You can't shake the feeling that is eery and slight
that you awoke many times to
her arm across your chest.

GIANT...

they way i feel after eating something unnecessary.
they way i see myself in the mirror before turning around and stepping into the shower.
they way my belly feels when i am sitting.
what i tell myself i am most of the time.
a word i use to describe myself...to myself.
the way my legs look inside my pants.
the roundness of my arms between the shoulder and elbow.
my hips and the fat on them.
the space i take up everyday.

for what it's worth

I'm NEARLY 31. Nearing 31. As if it were a place to get to. If it were, I imagine there'd be a bridge to cross and a person on the other side, with few teeth and stringy hair, to point me in the direction. I'd go by myself, so that no one could see my reaction when I arrived, just in case I was disappointed. Just in case it wasn't as I'd expected.

What do I expect at 31?

I expect wine. I expect a toning. A certain strengthening. Books. A's. Laughter. A deep sigh. I expect the beach. Challenges. A firmer butt. A more direct effort toward friendships. Thought. Honesty...with myself. Decisions. Family. A healthier core. Intuition. Authenticity. Sleep. Rest. Vacations. Food groups. Lessons.

I expect growth.

a forward push

Feels kinda like coming up for air,
sitting in the classroom...being spoken at.

Feels kinda like i'm moving forward again,
towards something.
Instead of spinning my web of mom-dom,
day after mindless day.

I've found my own hand to lead me again.
Feels good to be on my team,
to be my own cheering section.

I might not create the structure i want,
or the organization i crave...
but i'm in a space that hopes it
and that feels good and positive enough
for now.

The First Spill

There was disconnect in the space between us.

It was all my space.

I'd left no room for you.

The space is exhausted.

I kept coming back, pushing, wanting.

But mostly pushing.

And, not trying.

I clutched my mess to my chest,

whilst I took cover behind my first born.

He is my lifesaver,

but doubles as a scapegoat.

I can see how people lose people.

How love can be battered.

How shame destroys.

I'm kind of sick over it.

Over me.

And i'm pretty sure you are over it,

over me.