Longing

Longing for connection.

Where I could say all of it.
And then it'd be forgotten.
But what a relief!

I wonder how that'd feel.
I long for it.

Lost

If I ever were to lose myself,
THIS is how it'd feel.

Flat.
Like paper is flat.

My hands continue their work,
no longer directed by my soul.

A major shift is taking place,
I recognize this.

But the work I have done is slowly crumbling.
MySELF is no longer leading.

If I were to lose mySELF,
Yes,
this is how it'd feel.

I hope I don't lose.

Grey Matter

A friend once said to me that she cannot stand the grey...that everything must be black in white in her world.

My world is one hundred shades of grey.

I told her, I LIVE in the grey.

I don't have to know.  Not always.

Though the grey can piss me off at times, I often find comfort in it.

I don't have to have answers.

I mustn't think just ONE way.

I can relax in the grey.

Our brains are described as "grey matter", afterall.

BLESSED

I have found mySELF, so many times...
Between the pages as I make sense of the words,
In front of my dresser as I button my jeans,
On the windowsill as I wipe the dust away.

I find mySELF and I smile,
Or I cry,
Or I make up lies and discuss them inside of my head,
Until I'm confused and can't remember how the discussion began,
But I know that I feel worse.

But I've learned about those lies,
And how to work past them,
and around them,
and through them,
And how to leave them behind.

So that I can smile again.
And I can continue to fine mySELF,
Whilst I learn, and dress, and clean.

When I was Twenty, I figured I was as Wise as I'd ever be.
That idea shrinks as I get Wiser and I realize
That I'm not as Wise now as I will be next week
Or next month
Or next year.

I adore how far I've come in this life.
I'm scared about how far I might go.
But I'm thrilled at where I am.

BLESSED.